One of the more popular online games is Counter-Strike. Counter-Strike is a multi-player, online first-person shooter computer game that originated from the game Half-Life. It puts terrorists against counter terrorists in a very realistic combat simulation. And let me tell you, it is a very interesting game.For instance the terrorists in the game don't really have any interest in carrying out their missions. Other than planting bombs on occasion. Instead they just kind of want to lure counter-terrorists to a random location and kill them. Most terrorists usually want to take hostages, blow shit up, or take over a building in order to scare people. Not these guys. They could care less if you save their hostages or disarm all their bombs.
But for all you so called 'noobs' who have never played, it could be very difficult and scary playing for the first time. So... I'm going to give you a few tips. We'll call this the 'Counter-Strike Guide for Noobs'.
- GAMEPLAY TIPS
The AUG Sniper Rifle, Automatic Shotgun, MP5 Sub Machine gun, and any weapon that can penetrate skin are looked down on by skilled Counter-Strike players.
Killing an opponent from a distance is cheap. Killing an opponent from behind is cheap. And aiming bullets at an opponents head will only create a horrific scene.
The only way to actually not offend the other players is by charging at them head on out in the open and not strafing. Of course you have to announce your presence to the enemy and attack directly at the front. Otherwise it's just cheap.
Every death should be followed by: "What the fuck?!" or "Bullshit!". This will let the enemy players know that you are not happy about dying. And remember that the game hates you specifically.
Every time something does not go your way, be sure to let every one in the game know you hate it with creative phrases such as: "Fuck Counter-Strike!" or "I hate Counter-Strike!". But be sure to never actually stop playing the game. And continue to comment on how the game should be played.
Make sure to have a bad ass name. Something along the lines of '{SuP4hl33tk1LLa}CaP-a-CoP '. This will instantly scare all the other players into dropping their guns and running away when they see you. Never, under any circumstance should you use correct spelling in your name. This would mean that you spent more time learning English than playing Counter-Strike. Loser.
There are tons of maps to play in Counter-Strike. If it is your turn to choose a map to play, just pick one. Never ask the Counter-Strike community for help or opinions on which map should be played. You'll never play.
- EQUIPMENT
The HE Grenade is supposedly a high powered explosion device, but you could actually shove it down an enemy's throat and it would only do 16 damage. It should only be used when all your weapons are out of ammo, and your knife is still stuck in the wall.
The Flash Grenade is a magical little device that when it goes off, every person on your team will go blind for about 10 seconds and the enemy will laugh at you and gun you down. This can also work to your advantage since after all your teammates go blind they will stop playing to type how much they hate you and you can use them as human shields.
The Desert Eagle or referred to in the game as 'The Deagle' (never refer to it by its real name, the Nighthawk .50C) is not the only pistol in Counter-Strike. It may take time before you see other players using something else such as a P228 or a Five-Seven. This could be because the Desert Eagle can kill anyone with 2 shots and every other pistol requires hammering down on the trigger for about 15 seconds before it kills anything.
The Elites, or 'Dualies' is the most expensive pistol in the game, and also the worst. This is actually two pistols, and if you are stupid enough to buy them, then you run around with one in each hand. Every shot with the left pistol goes slightly left, and the right pistol goes slightly right. This means that if you are good, you'll hit your target 0% of the time. If you suck, then you will be lucky and hit your target every other shot.
The TMP or, 'Tactical Machine Pistol', is used by the Counter-Terrorists. People who use this gun will tell you that is has a fast rate of fire, it's accurate, and it reloads quickly. This is all true. There is a downside to this gun though. In order to actually do any damage you have empty at least 40 shots into an enemy before enough damage is done to round up to 1. After that, the enemy will turn around and clobber you with a Deagle. Which he bought for half the cost of your TMP. Nothing is more humiliating than being slaughtered by low-budget terrorists.
The UMP is the latest addition to the Counter-Strike weapon lineup. They took the MP5, and made it worse in every single category, made it cost more, and called it the UMP. Smaller clip size, does less damage, fires slower, and costs more. A good gun to have if you want to chip a terrorists tooth.
The Steyr Scout is a great Sniper Rifle is you're new to the game or the constant harassing has drained all your will to live. If you even hit your enemy and the game registers it, your enemy will turn toward you, give you the 'I am superior' laugh, and blast your head off with his, you guessed it, Deagle.
The AW/M is the feared and hated 'Arctic Warfare Magnum' sniper rifle often referred to as "The gun that the fucking noob killed me with". It has been toned down in recent versions, and you need to actually point it in the enemy's general direction, rather than the general direction of the continent they're standing on. If the target doesn't die by chance of sheer terror, you might have to go through the time-consuming process of pulling the trigger, which will inflict about the same damage as getting hit in the eye with a anti-tank-missile covered with anthrax.
- OPPONENTS
After watching several war movies 100 times the 'Captain' has learned everything there is to know about urban combat. Not only is he a military genius, but he is benevolent enough to share his foolproof battle plans with the rest of his team, and also informs everyone when their strategies do not meet with his approval. Lucky them.
The Captain's signature move is along the lines of yelling "Rush right!" and charging himself off into a hail of enemy gunfire, then repeatedly saying, "u stupid lusers didn't rush w/me or id be alive. assholes".
Your best strategy against him is taking a shot at him with a pump shotgun from across the map. You can easily dispatch him later when he stops playing to type out a 500-word essay on why shotguns should not be used at long range.
Much like morons you find in chat-rooms, the 'Sociopath' is an angry and bitter child who masquerades as a big tough guy who will not hesitate to kick your ass if you look at him the wrong way or use the wrong emoticon. He may seem like a harmless player, but in groups they are capable of inflicting lethal levels of annoyance. The Sociopath hates Counter-Strike and everyone who plays it (and everyone who doesn't) but he will keep playing the game, simply because it's the only way he can get out aggression at other people without getting his glasses broken.
The Sociopaths signature move is blasting other players with incredibly callous and witty insults such as "fag", "fAg" and "FAG".
Best strategy against him would be to insult the band Slipknot and with any luck wil ensue in screams of rage waking his parent up in the next room and he'll have to turn his computer off and go to sleep.
The 'Gun Expert'. Typically a 30-year-old male who grew up with guns, owned guns, and graduated form the United States Institute of Guns. He has memorized the weight, muzzle velocity and warranty information for every gun since the 1600's and believes this extensive knowledge of firearms makes him a natural Counter-Strike player, and any kills against him are a result of the game's glaring inaccuracies.
Signature moves include messaging the person who just killed him and letting him know that the kill didn't really count because the muzzle flash form his AK-47 looked more like that of an AR-10.
Best Strategy would be to declare that Counter-Strike is the most realistic game of all time and there are absolutely no inconsistencies between the in-game guns and their real-life counterparts.
The 'Rookie'. Inevitably you'll run into someone who has never played CS before, but refused to learn anything about it. Usually this is a teenager who plays whatever his friends do, just to fit in. You will typically find him running around in a game asking questions like "whuts a flashbang?" and "why r u wearing a mask?", and getting answers ranging from "Perhaps you should read the manual." to "read the god damn manual". But since he has the same personality as a kid who tries to put together a model airplane without looking at the instructions, he will continue to stumble blindly through the game using the 'Learn As You Go' approach, while repeatedly saying "whats rtfm mean, stop saying rtfm to me it isnt even a word".
His most common signature move is attempting 12 times in a row to kill you by circle-strafing with a glock, and wondering aloud why it isn't working.
If there even is strategy against the rookie, it's taking the same approach as you would a fat kid during recess dodge-ball games back in elementary school. Do everything within your power to make sure he plays on the other team.
On average you will find 3 or 4 players known as the 'Chronically Depressed Dipshit'. They can be easily located by looking through the chat to see who is whining about how full of pain their life is while playing a game on a $2000 Dell Dimension their parents bought them for their 16th birthday. Do not try to inject logic into their whiny ramblings, because "you wouldn't understand". That or you will receive an angry series of messages detailing the romantic life of your mother.
Their signature move is getting an enemy in his sights and being unable to summon the energy to click the mouse button and fire.
Your best strategy is to type the opening line from any Marilyn Manson or NIN song. The CCD will get caught up in the moment, close his eyes and play through the song in his mind, only to snap out of it and discover you took advantage of the opportunity to run over to his guy and stab him to death. Giving the other players a laught at his expense. Two victories for the price of one.
The 'Rhodes Scholar'. He's smarter than you , and he isn't afraid to show it. Every single message form the Rhodes Scholar's keyboard is so full of intelligence and wisdom that the IQ overflow occasionally causes server crashes. If another player offends him, he'll respond by typing out a doctoral thesis on the differential calculus, on line at a time. Of course he'll do this after the round has started and his team has already rushed out to fight, so he'll get about a third of the way through before an enemy walks into the spawn, kills him, and calls him a moron. Signature move: Sending amazing well-written and thoughtful chat messages that do not contain any words less than four syllables.
Strategy is to tell him that trigonometry and algebra are the exact same thing.
The 'Cybertramp'. I hate to break it to you e-pimps, but the majority of sexy women online are actually sweaty 50-year-old men who have had a run in with the police after attempting to molest a mailbox. But the Cybertramp is betting on the power of human stupidity to ensure that noone realizes he is not actually a 21-year-old supermodel. So, needless to say, he fools people 98% of the time. He will join a server with a name like 'SexySniper' or '[HOT]Angel_Eyes', and will assume that nobody will question why a young attractive female would have to flirt with guys over the internet during a game of Counter-Strike.
The Cybertramp's signature move is flirty messages like, "Hey hunny, dun shoot me *giggle* ^_ ^:P".
Best strategy would be to do what comes naturally. Kill him.
Last but not least we have the 'Clanner'. This guy was a gamer back before gaming was cool. In every game he's played, be it Quake, DOOM, or The Sims, he has joined together with a clique of similarly-endowed gamers to destroy all comers at that particular form of online entertainment. He scoffs at all the simple fools who play games for stupid reasons like 'to have fun'. He lives for the thrill of railgunning someone into lava and picturing that person as the football captain who stuffed him into trash cans back in high school. He recently made the shift to Counter-Strike after hearing one of his two friends describe it as "totally neato".
The Clanner's signature move is dodging all your bullets, pulling out a pistol and plcing a bullet right between your eyes from 200 yards.
A good strategy against the Clanner is to make up a random abbreviation like 'tpias' and using it regularly. Clanners are terrified of being left behind in the great leetspeak arms race to sound like as much of an idiot as possible, so they'll ask you what it means. Makes up words to go along with the letters, and then change acronyms and repeat. Continue doing this for as long as it takes before the Clanner starves to death in front of his computer. Keep some food nearby to make sure he starves to death before you do.
Well, good luck. This guide should help you get started in the wonderful world of shooting other people randomly with the same three weapons, and complaining about the game being biased against you. And remember: when all else fails, cry 'bullshit'
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment